BY JAN HAAG
A TRICKY GOD
9-30-99
O Devayani, one of your strongest
conccepts of God is the
trickery.
Isn't that odd.
Does that trace back to your
father?
Where did you get the concept of
a God who tricks,
tricks
you.
Everytime you think things are going
swimmingly,
Whamo!
A slap in the face,
a striking down of your
faith, your trust,
your blissful tripping along in
ignorance.
And yet you want to believe in the compassion
of God,
the love of God,
the knowlege that God
surely must have of
your
needs,
of your limited capacity
to live in
howling
fear
day after day after day.
How the learning curve zooms
up
in the depths
at the bottom of trembling
fear.
Fear, O
Devayani.
Where did you get the strong concept of God
as that which
is to be feared,
almost as much as that which to be feared
is
man.
From your father? O Devayani, a trickster, was your
father
a trickster and someone to be feared?
The breath in your body is almost gone,
the
courage in your heart is almost dissolved,
the hope of living in
peace
slaughtered,
There seems to be no way out or around
no
answers from the silence.
Pray.
Meditate.
Think about God.
Go to sleep in the fear of the Lord.
Lie down in darkness.
Pray
that you will never rise again,
to face this fear,
to run howling
from this fear.
Pray that in the night
that whatever needs to happen
to you
happens.
So that if you must rise again tomorrow.
You
rise without fear,
you rise trusting
in the arms of God.
Hear
my cry O God.
O Devayani,
do you believe there is anything but
silence?
And tricks?
Can you come to believe there is
something
beyond the silence and the tricks
that knows what it is
doing?
Could you ever come to believe that?
O Devayani,
can
you come to believe in the
trustworthiness of a compassionate
God?
O Devayani,
please die of the fear tonight.
Either die
in the body.
or
Let the contorted spirit die.
And like the phoenix rise from the ashes
into
a state of trust
and love.
Whatever that may mean.
For,
O Devayani, you do not know what love might mean.
You do not know what
joy might mean.
You have no idea how to walk in the light of a joyous
God.
You have no idea how to surrender,
to trust, to love.
O
Devayani, the fear is deep and lasting,
The heart pounds,
the breath
is short,
every move is like a renewal of disaster.
O Devayani,
consent to my soul's dying in the night,
consent to my body's spirit
leaving in the night.
Let me go,
O you trickster God.
Let me
go.
Make mince meat of me!
Eat me up,
spit me out.
Kill
me.
Kill me.
Kill me.
I cannot live another day
in
unabating fear.
Copyright © 2000 Jan Haag
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Jan Haag may be reached via e-mail: jhaag@u.washington.edu
BY JAN HAAG